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Tour with the Department of Defense!

Two years and 4 days after 9-11, I got an AOL email from talent scouts appointed by the Department of Defense, offering me a chance to audition to tour overseas. Tempting as it seems on some basic money level, I can't help but think that some of my songs are a bit at odds with the agenda of the Armed Forces. My "basic training" was at Quaker summer camps, and, if ever drafted, I would apply for conscientious objector status. (What acts go on these tours?)

Still, I put the aol address (dodtour@aol.com) on my AOL chat buddy list, and had a couple of chats with them. I kinda wish I'd thought it through a bit more....it seems like the sort of thing I could have turned into a subtle, album-length scam if I played my cards right and wrote some songs that are exactly as fucked up as our current reigning royalty. Anyone want to take up the challenge? Anyway, here's what happened.

THE LETTER:
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Subj: Steve Espinola

Date: 9/15/2003 12:25:14 AM
From: DODtour@aol.com
To: SPEspinola@email.com

Hello Mr. Espinola,
Currently we're coordinating bookings for 2004 on behalf of the U.S. Department of Defense (DOD) Tour and would like to know if your act is available for touring overseas? 2003 was an exciting tour year for those involved and if you are interested we enjoy having you on the 2004 tour roster. For further details, please visit www.DODtour.com.

Christopher Ray
www.DODtour.com
615-573-1278

HERE'S THE CHAT:

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SPEspinola: Hi department of defense!!!

SPEspinola: how are ya???

DODtour: Hello from MusicPromobiz.com. Could we help you with a question.

SPEspinola: I just got invited by you to participate in overseas concerts.

SPEspinola: What are ya lookin' for?

DODtour: Did you have a chance to visit the website yet?

SPEspinola: Checked it out a bit. how did you find me?

DODtour: We have scouts who seek out talent and probably came across your information online.

SPEspinola: Sweet...I'm putting together my audition tape....my concern is that there's some rather...ironic content in some of my songs....I wouldn't want it to be taken the wrong way.

SPEspinola: ya know, references to drugs, one song that talks about the "powers that be"...

DODtour: acts must be clean and stay away from racial/religious hatred. As long as your act doesn't fall into one of those categories you are probably alright.

SPEspinola: cool! What about the song that goes "I want to steal the president's red telephone and hide it"? should I leave that one out?

DODtour: probably would be best. :0)

DODtour: As the government would be your employer. The pay is great though.

DODtour: You are welcome to visit MusicPromoBiz.com and sign-up through there if you wish. Hope this helps some.

SPEspinola: I mean, to be honest, I'm a little afraid that I could actually get arrested for treason at my audition if I mess up. Who is going to be there?

SPEspinola: Is it ok to say "I wanna drop the drawers of the high and mighty?" or is that unpatriotic?

DODtour: Goodbye.

SPEspinola: bye!!

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Then I went to the DOD website. The full text is worth a read and can be found at:

http://musicpromobiz.com/content/dod/index.htm

"Pay is great," ay? Let's see how much the government pays for its entertainment....

We have been appointed to locate talent for the U.S. Department of Defense (DOD) Tour Division. DOD favors bands, however solo artists, comedy/novelty acts etc. are also welcome. The tour roster includes the following regions: Australia, Bahamas, Caribbean, Europe, Egypt, Spain, Greece, Turkey, Italy, South Korea, Japan, Puerto Rico, New Zealand, Thailand, Diego Garcia, Most of the Middle East, Parts of Africa, Jordan, Israel, Afghanistan, Equador, plus Central and South America and more.

Q. How Much Do We Get Paid?
A. $150.00 PER PERSON per day. This is NON-NEGOTIABLE. A Band with 6 pieces would make anywhere from about $4,500 (for a 5-day tour) up to about $64,800 (for a 6 week tour). An individual would make anywhere from $750 (for a 5-day tour) up to about $10,800 (for a 6 week tour).

Q. Is Lodging provided?
A. For the most part lodging is provided at no additional charge to the act (usually in military housing). However, there are some instances where military housing may not be available and the act may need divide up the cost of a hotel room.

Acts will be briefed ahead of time before accepting or rejecting a DOD tour offer. If there is a situation where the band needs to get a hotel room, worst case scenario is they will stand to pocket about $90 per day while staying at the hotel if they split the cost among members of their act.

Wow! At least $90 per day to haul your ass and equipment halfway around the world. I suppose if you get to see the sights that might be better than paying for a vacation. If, on the other hand, you have to stick to the army bases around the clock, you are getting paid $3.75 per hour for each 24-hour day, or $11.25 per hour if we call it an 8-hour work day.

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To participate in our DoD Tour Opportunity please read the Frequent Asked Questions section before proceeding. If you are ready to process your act,

please Click Here to Proceed.

Please only submit your act when prepared to pay for processing as well.

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And here's the rub...when you click it...

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PAYMENT PROCESSING PAGE FOR TOUR SUBMISSION CONSIDERATION

Processing is $25 per person

PLEASE CHANGE THE NUMBER BELOW TO REFLECT THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE IN YOUR ACT. KEEP IN MIND ON OCCASION YOU MAY BRING A SPOUSE OR FRIEND WHO ACT AS A PAID TOUR MANAGER. THIS TOUR MANAGER COUNTS AS 1 PERSON AS WELL.

Purchase _1_ PERSON / PEOPLE for tour submission consideration.

So the audition is a bit of a money making venture as well....hmmm...or at least they aren't losing anything on the tryouts. And at least you can bring your partner, call them your manager, and get twice the pay for the two of yez. But you have to send them more money at the outset, too.

What We Do Not Accept

It should be understood that we DO NOT accept the following types of acts. Acts that promote hatred, vulgarity, violence, racial or religious intolerance and any act that undermines family values is not welcome to participate in this opportunity.

This last one is especially interesting....I wish I'd really gone into that with them. What are "family values"??? I can't imagine that a song celebrating a lesbian couple raising half-siblings by a common anonymous donor father would be acceptable, though two of the best people I know are doing just that. There's a secret code in this document....

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So I logged on under another name, the mysterious.... "Dreamwulf".

Dreamwulf: Hi! Quick question. Do you have a minute?

DODtour: sure.

Dreamwulf: I just visited the DOD website, and I think you'd love what I do.

DODtour: What kind of act?

Dreamwulf: singer songwriter, melodic content, sometimes funny, sometimes heartbreakin'...

Dreamwulf: but....one question confused me....What specifically are the "Family Values"?

Dreamwulf: It references "undermining family values".

DODtour: We don't want any act that doesn't offer a clean wholesome image for the troops. If you cuss in your act or have religious/racial intolerences we can't use your act on tour.

Dreamwulf: I've got friends who are lesbians and are raising kids. The moms were inseminated by the same anonyous donor. They seem like a family to me, but could I sing songs about them, if they are upbeat and clean?

DODtour: Probably not because of the nature of the situation.

DODtour: Where is your website.

DODtour: If you have one, I'd be happy to continue talking about DOD.

Dreamwulf: I'm also wondering about religious intolerances....does that mean I can't sing songs celebrating the current administrations' policies in Iraq? [eek. see note below.]

Dreamwulf: one minute.....

Dreamwulf: http://www.blankety-blank.com [A female teenybopper songwriter who'd spammed me. Censored to avoid trouble.]

Dreamwulf: sorry, anyway, you were saying...nature of the situation?

DODtour: If you feel your material doesn't violate anything in the dod section as discussed you are welcome to submit by signing up through the website. Hope this helps.

Dreamwulf: Well, sort of, but "family values" is still vague to me. There's a lot of different kinds of families, you know. I fear this is a euphemism. Could you spell out the sort of family you mean?

Dreamwulf: Because I think you'll love me but I want to do my best.

DODtour: We are looking for acts at MusicPromoBiz.com that don't compromise our Christian values.

Dreamwulf: But doesn't the US Government promise equal religious protection under the law? That sounds like discrimination.

Dreamwulf: Can I do a song that says "Christians, Buddhists, Muslims, Jews, All A-OK by me"? Just hypothetically, now.

DODtour: goodbye.

Dreamwulf: I mean, I do have a song that goes like that, but I'm being more hypothetical.

Dreamwulf: I mean, the army isn't just Christian, now, is it?

Dreamwulf: We have religious freedom in this country.

Dreamwulf: I'd hate to be a Jewish serviceman out there and feel I was getting neglected....

Dreamwulf: Or heaven forbid a gay or lesbian serviceperson....

Dreamwulf: Well, anyway, I look forward to applying at your website.

Dreamwulf: Motherfucker.

Window: "DODtour cannot currently receive instant messages"

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I sort of blew the "religious tolerance" point...I am not particularly aware of the US trampling religious rights in Iraq, though I suppose it's possible. I'm more aware of Muslims being harassed and jailed in the U.S. on the flimsiest of pretexts, and deprived of their rights to lawyers and even communication with families for up to a year. Nevertheless, it is remarkable that the Department of Defense does not want acts that promote violence, given that their job is frequently carrying out just that. What has happened to the days of singing "Hot Time in the Town of Berlin" and other morale-raising "kill the enemy" songs?

The Department of Defense has hired a Christian-oriented talent agency to hire their entertainment. In spite of their "Religious Tolerance" spiel, they stopped talking to me when I mentioned some other faiths. I suppose it could have been my tone.

If anyone has actually gone on one of these tours, or communicated/auditioned with these people, I'd love to hear from you!

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